The Gospel According To St. Titleist

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. TITLEIST

May thy ball lie in green pastures -- and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham

Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson 

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.  ~Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown

My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli
       
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great -- but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown

       If I hit it right, it's a slice.
       If I hit it left, it's a hook.
       If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
         ~Author Unknown

Preachers & Hell

If there is no hell a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretenses. (Billy Sunday; 1862-1935)

Romance & Rheumatism

"During the first half of life you are romantic, and during the second half you are rheumatic. But I've seen folks who are rheumatic become romantic again and lose all their rheumatism." (Vance Havner)

Words Of Dying Atheists

WORDS OF DYING ATHEISTS

Caesar Borgia: "While I lived, I provided for everything but death; now I must die, and am unprepared to die."

Thomas Hobbs: "I say again, if I had the whole world at my disposal, I would give it to live one day. I am about to take a leap into the dark."

Thomas Payne: "Stay with me, for God's sake; I cannot bear to be left alone ... O Lord, help me! O God, what have I done to suffer so much? What will become of me hereafter?"

Sir Thomas Scott: "Until this moment I thought there was neither a God nor a hell. Now I know and feel that there are both, and I am doomed to perdition by the just judgment of the Almighty."

Voltaire: "I am abandoned by God and man; I will give you half of what I am worth if you will give me six months' life." (He said this to Dr. Fochin, who told him it could not be done.) "Then I shall die and go to hell!"

Robert Ingersoll: "O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul!" (Some say it was this way: "Oh God, if there be a God, save my soul if I have a soul, from hell, if there be a hell!")

In the last century, a well-known atheist was riding with Alexander Campbell in a buckboard. As usual, they were discussing atheism. Campbell's visitor pointed to an ox grazing in the nearly field, and said: "I have no more fear of death than that ox." To which Campbell replied: "And no more hope, either."

Are We Alone In The Universe?

Are We Alone In The Universe?
(Kent Heaton)

Over four hundred years ago Galileo Galilei turned the invention of Hans Lipperhey to the heavens and the mysteries of our universe began to be revealed. The telescope brought the miracle of space to the inhabitants of earth in a way never imagined before. Through the centuries man has continued the quest to reach out as far into space as possible. With technology soaring to the heights of man’s imagination a clearer picture and vision of the outer world has been drawn to the inquisitive search for life. Instruments dot the planet in every imaginable place to hear some faint message of a far off civilization. Powerful telescopes pierce the night skies seeking signs of life beyond the planets. Satellites hurl through the void of space collecting data looking and listening for the echo of an alien presence. With all the vast array of incredibly powerful instruments at man’s disposal, why has no trace of life been found of a new civilization? Because there is none.

The question has been asked for generations, “Are we alone in the universe?” Without a great deal of fanfare the answer quietly whispers in return, “Yes”! The answer is as old as the world and has been revealed to man in every generation. In the first days of man’s dwelling upon the earth he decided to build a “tower whose top is in the heavens; let us make a name for ourselves” (Genesis 11:4). The tower of Babel was a colossal mistake and the result of man’s pride. It concerned the Lord enough to say, “Nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them” (Genesis 11:6). As a result God confused the language of the people and the work stopped. “Therefore its name is called Babel, because there the Lord confused the language of all the earth; and from there the Lord scattered them abroad over the face of all the earth” (Genesis 11:9).

This tells us that God has placed man within the habitation spoken of by Paul in Acts 17:26 – “And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.” Everyone on earth if of one blood and we are put here to “dwell” upon the earth. Our “times” and “boundaries” are appointed by God and they cannot be changed. Man lives within the vacuum of his own environment that is determined by God.

As a young boy in the 1960’s I would hear of the days man would live in the oceans and on far off planets. Those were the days of modern exploration yet they were based on the false premise that man can live anywhere. God has determined that man can only survive in the world made for man’s earthly journey – Earth! But then that is the subject of the relationship of God and man – Earth.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved” (John 3:16-17). Did Jesus die for a civilization on another planet? According to the Bible the only people Jesus died for are those found on the third rock from the Sun. Paul told the Athenians that our purpose in life is “seek the Lord” and we can find Him not in space but in the book right before our eyes - the Bible. Open it and you find God.

Washington, Lincoln, Reagan & Obama

Washington, Lincoln, Reagan and Obama

(Kent Heaton)

 

It was December 1777 when George Washington marched his beleaguered army into Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. The winter of that year would almost decimate Washington’s army and push the limits of hope in a most desperate time. A Valley Forge resident named Isaac Potts found the general off to himself deep in prayer to God for deliverance. The first president of the United States would later write, “It is impossible to rightly govern a nation without God and the Bible.” He knew the power of prayer and trusting in the word of God for guidance; unlike president Obama.

Abraham Lincoln had a deep respect and knowledge for the Bible. He said, “I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no other place to go.” The 16^th president of the United States acknowledged the need of prayer and presence of God. One of Lincoln’s most inspiriting quotes came when he said, “Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right.” President Obama would do well to listen to Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln would not stand with Mr. Obama and approve his presidency. “I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong” (Abraham Lincoln).

Ronald Reagan quoted George Washington who said, “Despair my fellow countrymen of ever teaching citizenship save on the basis of immorality & abandon all hope of teaching morality on any other foundation than religion for the nation that forgot God has never been allowed to endure.” President Reagan was a firm believer in the influence of the word of God. It was not uncommon for Reagan to quote the Bible, make reference to God and quote Jesus Christ as the source of true peace. The presidency of Barak Obama is fulfilling the words of the previous president Reagan who said, “If we ever forget that we are one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.”

Embracing homosexuality will become the legacy of Obama. He has never held a belief in God nor the Bible. Our country is being led by an administration that is doing everything in its power to undermine and destroy the moral fiber of our country. The Bible clearly teaches the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman. Jesus said, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:5-6).

The apostle Paul described the immoral nature of homosexuality when he wrote, “For this cause God gave them up unto vile passions: for their women changed the natural use into that which is against nature: and likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another, men with men working unseemliness, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was due. And even as they refused to have God in their knowledge, God gave them up unto a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not fitting” (Romans 1:26-28). President Obama is serving the wiles of the devil and setting on course the downfall of the United States of America. As people of God we must take a stand against disregard for the purity of the word of God. If we allow this government to “sow the wind” of ungodliness we all “shall reap the whirlwind” (Hosea 8:7).

The Social Gospel

If they had a social gospel in the days of the prodigal son, somebody would have given him a bed and a sandwich and he never would have gone home.

Vance Havner

The Lord Is Not After Joiners

In Luke 9:57-62 are three fellows. As you remember, the first one said, "I will follow thee whithersever thou goest" (v57), and Jesus said, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath no where to lay his head" (v58). The second said, "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father" (v59). Jesus said, "Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God" (v60). The third said, "Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell which are at home at my house" (v62). If you're going with me, let's go; if you're going to stay here, stay here; but the kingdom of God is no place for a man with his face pointed one way and his feet the other. God is not taking people to heaven backward. If you're going with me, let's get going, all in one direction.

One prospect, the rich young ruler, stood head and shoulders above the rest. He had manners, for he came very politely. He had morals. He kept the commandments. He had money. If he tried to join the average church today, they'd say, "Take him quick. Make him treasurer and don't ask him any questions." My Lord said, "Sell out." He didn't give him a massage; He gave him a shock treatment. "Sell out" and that's just what he wouldn't do. He was a good catch, but the Lord didn't catch him.

Americans are professional joiners. They'd die if they couldn't join something. Give them a red button and a certificate and they'll join anything on the face of the earth. The Lord wasn't after joiners. He was after disciples.

(Vance Havner, sermon: Jesus Is Lord; "When God Breaks Through", sermons on revival edited and compiled by Dennis J. Hester; pp 139-140)

The Green Thing (Author Unknown)

The Green Thing (Author Unknown)
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags  weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags,  was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded-up  old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.

We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a
computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?